Walking Through Twilight
How do you continue to find God as dementia pulls your loved one into the darkness?
Nothing is simple for a person suffering from dementia, and for those they love. When ordinary tasks of communication, such as using a phone, become complex, then difficult, and then impossible, isolation becomes inevitable. Helping becomes excruciating.
In these pages philosopher Douglas Groothuis offers a window into his experience of caring for his wife as a rare form of dementia ravages her once-brilliant mind and eliminates her once-stellar verbal acuity. Mixing personal narrative with spiritual insight, he captures moments of lament as well as philosophical and theological reflection. Brief interludes provide poignant pictures of life inside the Groothuis household, and we meet a parade of caregivers, including a very skilled companion dog.
Losses for both Doug and Becky come daily, and his questions for God multiply as he navigates the descending darkness. Here is a frank exploration of how one continues to find God in the twilight.
"This is a hard book to read—like watching the news and learning about war, poverty, and famine. We would rather look away, ignore, and pretend. God doesn't pretend; he knows, he enters in, and he loves us. And God calls us to participate in his love and presence. So for those with family or friends walking through the confusion and challenges of dementia, this book is a real gift. Groothuis takes us from admissions of moments of rage to the sweet, tender mercy of Sunny the goldendoodle, from painful, honest reflections about the eeriness of the disease to signs of hope that only God can provide. He helps us begin to understand what is beyond our grasp. Many who try to make sense of their own journeys will find here an authentic voice to help along the way."
"To be honest, I've never read a book like this. It overflows with deep reflection on the suffering of life and the apparent absence of God at the very times we need him most. But the specialness of this book lies in Groothuis's raw, unfiltered, and bewildering expression of emotion—pain, agony, confusion—regarding the journey of his dear wife, Becky, and its impact on Doug's own pilgrimage. There are no cheap Christian slogans, no slapping of a Bible verse as a Band-Aid on a near-mortal wound, no simplistic happily-ever-after. But there is hope. Hope built on deep reflection about Christianity, suffering, and the meaning of life. To me, this is the best book my dear friend has ever written. Its healing powers will penetrate your soul as you slowly read through its pages."
"Poignant. Profound. Powerful. This very personal journey through a wife's dementia will astound you with its eloquence and insights. The path through twilight is painful, but—thank God!—it's not without ultimate hope. This is a memoir that will mark you forever."
"Douglas Groothuis's Walking Through Twilight is an extraordinarily moving memoir of lament. In inviting the reader into the experience of his wife's progressive dementia, he combines superb writing and the incisive thinking of a first-rate philosopher, which he is. But far beyond this, the book is filled with liberating honesty and the particular beauty of unadorned truth. Hearing God in the thunder and lightning is easy, but hearing him in what sounds mostly like silence takes a particularly keen and delicate ear, one this author possesses in abundance."
"Would I write as Doug Groothuis does here? Could I even begin to? I was profoundly humbled by this memoir. Philosophers are all about clear thinking, but the classroom is beggared by the anguish described here with such searing honesty, such poetic insight, such intense clarity, and such unconquerable hope."
"I read the book in one sitting because it is riveting. Groothuis brings to life not only the day-to-day sorrows and joys but also the deeper anxieties and consolations that underlie the everyday, and matches these evocative descriptions with reflections that invite all of us to join him on this journey of suffering and faith."
"An essential resource and guide for caregivers and for those who minister to both patients and caregivers as they walk through twilight."
Foreword by Nicholas Wolterstorff
Introduction: Walking Through Twilight
1. Rage in a Psych Ward
2. The Year of Learning Things I Did Not Want to Know
Interlude: The Mensa Card
3. It Is Eerie
4. Giving Up
5. The Temptation to Hate God
6. Learning to Lament
Interlude: My Worried Ear
7. Joy in Lament
8. Moses and Our Sadness
Interlude: The Red Book
9. Lamenting in the Classroom
10. Lamenting Online
Interlude: At the Museum
11. Technology Free
12. Learning to Lie to My Wife (as Little as Possible)
Interlude: Jesus Loves Me
13. Gallows Humor
14. Dogs, Dementia, and Us
15. Miss Becky and a Way of Speaking
Interlude: Snack and Scalp
16. Words Fail Us
17. My Escape into Meaning
Interlude: Becky as My Student
18. How Is Becky?
Conclusion: From Twilight into Darkness
Appendix: Lightening the Load