What If It's Too Late To Wait?

WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN NOT TO WAIT? What about those who became Christians after they had already been involved in dating relationships without Christian values? What about Christian couples who have "lost a battle" but want to "win the war"? Is there any good news for these people? Yes, there is good news. But first let's examine the bad news.

If you have already had sex before marriage, you probably believed one of three things: (1) if we are truly in love, this is okay; (2) if I want it so badly, it must be natural and therefore okay; (3) if God doesn't take away my desire, it must be okay. These are three of the biggest lies about sex that Satan feeds to Christians. Remember what John 8:44 says? "When [the devil] lies, he speaks his native language."

To make matters worse, if you discover that you've caved in to a lie and so you admit your sin, Satan may hit you with another set of lies: "You are damaged goods. No one will ever love you. God will never be able to accept you or use you again in his kingdom."

Whether Satan uses lies, unrelieved guilt or ongoing shame, his intent is that we write ourselves off because of our sin. But this is utterly contrary to Scripture. If our sins destroyed us completely, there would be no hope for any of us. Paul wrote to the Romans that God hates many sins: sexual impurity, idolatry, murder and a lot of other terrible sins. But notice what else Paul includes in his list: gossip, boastfulness, disobedience to parents, deceit (Rom 1:24-32). What a mixed list! Who can claim innocence?

The bottom line is that all of us are utterly dependent upon God's grace, whatever the expression of our own sinfulness. None of us can stand before God except on the basis of a "righteousness that is by faith from first to last" (Rom 1:17). This is certainly good news for all of us!

But some of us need more reassurance. "Being forgiven is one thing, but am I so tainted by my sin that purpose and meaning are gone from my life? Am I now good for nothing?"

If this is your question, there's more good news for you! Take a look at the account of Jesus' ancestors in Matthew 1:1-6. In this list are women and men who are like us. Some sinned sexually. Others were considered outcasts. Several others were deeply affected by the moral climate around them. But these are the people in the lineage of Jesus.

This surprising mix is not an oversight on God's part. I think he intentionally chose people to whom we can relate. Believers are, in a spiritual sense, in the lineage of Jesus. God not only fully forgives, he also fully redeems. God still wants to use you to build his kingdom.

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" That question was posed by Paul in his letter to the Roman Christians (Rom 6:1). And it's the next logical question for us to ask too. Shall we just go on enjoying ourselves, living in sexual sin, since God is going to forgive us and redeem us anyhow? Paul answers, "By no means!" (v. 2). The faith that allows us to experience God's grace and redemption is also the faith that motivates us to live our lives in obedience to God's loving, righteous standards.

But for the couple who has already engaged in sexual intercourse, this will be very, very hard. I asked a friend of mine, who had become a Christian after he and his future wife had already been intimate, how they maintained sexual purity under intense temptation. He said that he and his fianc‚ made a newvow together, to live without intercourse until they were married. "It was easy," he said, "for the first month." Then it became increasingly difficult to stay out of bed. For them it was a matter of sheer obedience.

The couple called upon their Christian friends to help them. They set up an agreement with an older Christian couple. The older couple agreed to pray for them, and the younger couple agreed to report back every two weeks to let them know how they were doing in their commitment to purity.

My friend said that the four of them consumed many cups of coffee and a lot of pie as they walked this difficult path! This struggling young couple, by the way, are now active Christians, leaders in their church and parents of teens. They are thankful for God's faithfulness to them.

Their advice to couples who have been sexually active and now want to go back to sexual purity is consistent with advice I have heard over and over. This is not a solo flight. Couples and individuals who are facing this battle desperately need someone_another couple or a small group_to help them maintain their new vows. One of the privileges of Christian community is that we can ask for this kind of help and share this kind of intimacy. . . .

In the final analysis, it is our relationship with Jesus which gives us reason to wait until marriage to have sexual intimacy. Without Jesus we experience only brief moments of acceptance, affirmation and love from other people. As we walk with Jesus we experience God's grace. And we learn that by the grace of God we are continually loved and accepted.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said that the purpose of sexual purity is not to deny pleasure but to direct our lives to one end. That end is not just pleasure in bed with the one we married, but it is also joy in the arms of Jesus.