InterVarsity Press

Conversations: Where Do I Go from Here?

Tracy:

I had the urge suddenly tonight to search "questioning faith" on the internet. I didn't even expect to find anything useful.

I've struggled with my faith since I was a little girl. As a child I assumed I was "bad" for questioning "Is there a God?" or "Where did God come from?" I thought God kept a tally of every questioning thought which scared me to the point of panic. I felt so isolated and dealt with a lot of anxiety, which I have experienced off and on all my life. I remember praying for God to come to my room one night and take these "bad" thoughts away. When he didn't, I thought I was even more undeserving.

As I grew, I avoided God, religion—even discussions of faith—to prevent my anxiety from coming back. In my mid 20s I finally went to a beginner's Sunday school class and found out others questioned too! A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was baptized in that church and felt like I was a Christian. But that feeling never seemed to last, because I would still(!) question.

I've moved away from that church and am now in my early 30s. My faith is wavering again. I can't help thinking I will never have a strong faith. I feel scared and lonely. I don't know what my question for you is—maybe, what do I do?, or where to I go from here?. I just thought I would write down what I was feeling.

Thank you for your time.

Ruth:

Thank you so much for writing. Your letter is exactly what this web site is for—to allow individuals to confess their struggles and doubts. I wish I had a simple answer to "cure" you of your doubts. No. That's not true. I'm glad I don't have a simple answer or a complicated answer. One of the exciting things about my faith is that it always keeps me on my toes. I can't get lazy and take it for granted. There are always questions and issues and struggles for me, but that keeps me alive. I love Emily Dickinson's line (and I've probably quoted it a hundred times): "We both believe and disbelieve a hundred times an hour, which keeps believing nimble."

I think it is important for you, Tracy, to find a fellowship of believers who are open and warm to those who have doubt and unbelief like you do. The problem is, such communities are often hard to find. I'm hoping that someone reading our interchange might at least be able to help you find an Internet community to interact with. I think there are a lot of people out there who like yourself encounter serious doubts about God, but at the same time feel very secure in their Christian faith. They simply refuse to allow others to push them out of the Christian community or to make them admit that their doubts are just routine little blips in their spiritual lives.

My own way of responding to my doubts and unbelief is to be actively involved in an excellent evangelical church where the Gospel is preached and where questions are welcomed. I also practice private spiritual disciplines, one of the most meaningful of which is sitting alone in the dark, playing the piano and singing the old hymns of the faith. I'm also encouraged by writers, including Kathleen Norris, Annie Dillard, Parker Palmer, Madeleine L'Engle and Philip Yancey.

I hope this helps, and I encourage others to write with helpful ideas and counsel.

Shalom.